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Poetic Musings December 12, 2005

Posted by dr. gonzo in Space.

UPDATE: This was the first of my poetry posts. It will now be my “Poetic Musings” page which you will see linked on the left of the front page. I have pasted the recently posted poems here too but I will leave those two on the seperate post too because they have comments. Enjoy. New stuff on top, older stuff below.

Of course, any feedback would be more than appreciated. Good, not good, I don’t care, it just seems to pour out of me. Take a chance on it, on me.

March 3, 2006

It’s To Her

and so and now
theyll be time
to just
wonder why

but there’ll be time
for this sky
and words by
someone standing next to me
is up to no good
i don’t know why
i trust
i thought i should
and oh so cold and lame and fine
but i throw another party
in the hollow of my fineness
a place where you can go
when you get mad
isn’t life funny
when it stings
like that beekeepers hive
but every time
i can’t find you
i know i’m too late
so i duck out
go down to find . . .
and what i find
don’t make me wish
don’t make me wish that i was dead
just makes me wish
another way through
was there instead
but either way you look at it
we have no chance
i have no chance
i have no chance

Feb. 4, 2006 (2 Poems)


and so
i am
so sorry again
i am
i am
the way i am
and so
i am
if i could
take it all back
i would
so sorry again
i am
and so
i am
perhaps i am
so sorry again
i feel alone
but sometimes
i don’t
i am

take me away
take me over
take me away
to anywhere

and so
i am
so sorry again
i apologize
the way i am
and so
there are times
when i’m not so alone
but i won’t
i am
this time i won’t
i am
so sorry again
and so
perhaps i’m not
sorry at all
i am
deeply and utterly,
entirely alone
i am
so sorry again


what if i told you i loved you
what if i said i wanted now to be forever
what if i scared you away
and never got to capture that forever
instead just sparkled and fizzled then faded away
what if i told you i want only your eyes
what if i told you i’d hold you ‘til death
what if you ran frightened and screaming
pushing and kicking and denying my feelings
until finally i just slipped and faded away
what if i told you each kiss was sacred
what if i said each touch made me smile
what if you took my heart out to bleed it
and then i would smile
and fade darkly away, grasping and screaming, just trying to stay
what if i told you i loved you
from now until dust
what if i said i wanted you always and only
until the mountains are dunes and the seas are all dry
what if i told you what i see in your eyes
most peaceful and calming, soothing night skies
over a meadow in green mountains so lush
i cannot see you just running away
but maybe if i say nothing
it will compel you to stay
here where i am with my fragile, dark heart
falling to pieces, late at night
where i cant sleep, until its light
what if i told you i loved you
would that change things then?
would you ever want to even see me again?
what if i said i could not live without you
would you call it a lie
would you say i just want to make you give it a try
what if i said i wanted you always
would you raise up one eye
would you question it and always continue wondering why
what if i told you i loved you

Jan. 31, 2006 (2 Poems)

Thoughts (Endlessly)

endless clouds
covered my endless nights
speeding around town in ‘black cabs’
with tinted windows
the world breezing by
in a constant hum of artificial and endless light
penetrating the dark,
the clouds and the night
endless thoughts
all out of place
entirely mixed up
and walks in the rain
entirely jumbled
mixed up and out of place

oh no
oh damn
i killed my friends again
endless seduction
through my endless corruption
oh no
oh damn

endless lies
cover my
endless life
and i wanted to stay
to not shut off
to not go away
but these endless thoughts
that beg me to stay
caused too much hurt and
too much pain
for a life stained thirty different shades of gray
endless days of
endless pain

endless clouds
cover the endless sky
on endlessly cold, long, dark nights
for reasons unknown we could never ask why
just stood and stared
in the dim green light
and watching as you walked away
for one last time
killing something off
hidden inside
but once exposed it would never leave
the yen and the burning
offered no reprieve
offered the nothing
i was sent to retrieve
and scraped it up grumbling
shocked and deceived

oh no
oh damn
my mouth is wide open
and i can only stand and stare
oh no
i killed them all again
through endless seduction
and endless corruption
oh no
oh damn

endless roads
that are endlessly paved
leaving in all directions
i’ve just to pick the way
nothing stays constant
except for the blame
and if nobody wants it
i guess i can’t stay
the endless thoughts
of endless nights
are with me each and every day
endlessly lousy
this is the way
endlessly fooled
endlessly leaving
and forever the tool.

Killing Birds

i killed a million birds
with a thousand stones
and when my killing spree was over
i was entirely alone
afraid and unfree
terrified of these thoughts
building in me
to scared to stay
to afraid to go
a finely honed coward
and a pain that you’ll never know
and when the darkness arrives
as i know that it will
i’ll be alone
standing completely still
alone while the cold and arctic wind blows
alone in the drifting and piling snows
the birds overhead
it seems like they know
that i am going to kill them
because i am alone
my fire is slow
and burns me inside
from feelings and hurt
i wished i could hide
but it won’t go away
but i wanted it to
the feelings that have made
me so royally blue
and in the shadow of horses
riding away
thunder is rolling
trying to say
something is dying
deep down in me
something i wanted to just set me free
caged as i am
with walls all around
blocking out those noises
those awful, damned sounds

and its killing me
like i killed those birds
and its stinging me
like it stung at first
and its killing me
and its killing me
oh my love
i could never win

and i’ll be here tomorrow
i’ll still be alone
sitting and watching
from my thorn covered throne

Jan. 18, 2006


just so you know
i miss you everyday
and my yen spills over
into my endless, lonely nights
and thoughts of you
hang in the crisp night air
only to be blown away
by loneliness, sorrow and despair
just so you know
you haunt my every minute
of every night and infinite day
for every second
since you walked away
and never turned back
for the longest time i thought
just so you know
a life unfulfilled
every second spiraling down
far beneath
the frost covered ground
is what i carry
a burden too heavy
a pain all to real
just so you know
i have shed a thousand tears
for your thousand lies
after feeling the feelings
it would have been better off to hide
just so you know
i don’t owe you a thing
you walked away
leaving me nothing
only this sting
thoughts of you consume me
capture my being
just so you know
i have been left with no feelings
and here in this place
where it’s cold, dark and wet
i can stay here forever
forever and yet
every single time
that i try to steal away
thoughts of you come crashing
making me stay
just so you know
i only hang on
hoping and waiting
for something far gone
hoping and wishing
and waiting all day
for a bittersweet moment
when it’s finally okay
just so you know
i never wanted it this way
i would have loved you forever
just so you know
i’ll never love again
just stay here and wallow
in my darkness and sin
just so you know
just so you know

Dec. 29, 2005


how many nights ago was it?
that my lungs filled
with that sickly, sweet fluid
drowning me inside
grasping, pulling and reaching for air
could never reach the surface
could never leave there
struggled to swim
to get away
could never reach the surface
could never break the waves
and i feel its tension
snapping inside my brain
feel it tightening
writhing with pain
and if i am snuffed out
or i can’t remain
don’t think about me
don’t let it rain
because it’s in the rain that i feel truly free
bathing my soul and letting me see
in the water caressing, all around me
could never reach the surface
could never break free
just leave this place
for another that will never be
that cannot erase
the grasping, pulling, drowning sounds
that just keep coming from so far down
does not matter anyway
could never reach the surface
could never get away.

you can’t hide
like i can’t get away
nothing i ever tried
nothing i ever say
had any meaning
tattered, torn and frayed.

Dec. 19, 2005


i’m almost back now
from the edge of the blade
from the hollows of darkness
the pain of the knife
cuts turn to scars a
nd i cower back inside
where my sadness comes from
where my darkness never ends
wish i knew a way that i could mend
so broken and desolate deserted my feelings
and i didn’t know you noticed me
standing over here in the corner
i didn’t know anything
so much noise

Blinding Light

all i can tell you
are the few the things i know
blinding light, letting go
stuck in here
years and years
and pain
letting go
am i dark?
blinding maybe
deafening noises
screeching from down below
forever jealous of you
forever stuck in here
a cage of my own inescapable design
and the pouring of the cool water over my skin
seeping in, dripping down
and hear it again
that awful, pounding, grinding sound
just because i cant sleep with it grinding slowly away at my sanity
i can’t afford to know
i can’t afford to go
journey back out and around
i didn’t stop at the door
it was that terrible sound
that pushed me out
that walked me away
i never knew
i never
to slide out of here
just staying stuck inside
and frayed
here on the ground
here in the corner
where i guess i should have always stayed

Dec. 12, 2005


something only something
hiding in the wilted shadows
amongst the rocks
where the water laps the shore
and the footprints are smoothed away
and the cold water leaves a cold nothing
in the wilted shadows
amongst the rocks
with wisps of moss
and the hint of dying fish
and only the shadows remain
waved across the sand like fingers
ripping into the world
tearing into the searing flesh
that’s left behind
amongst the rocks and wilted shadows
the night has consumed
and the darkness claims its victims
daylight into night and all hope is lost
only the cold water remains
lapping against the shore
sweeping away the sand
and mopping up the moss
the cool air eats the scents hanging in the night
and only the dew remains
and the fog on the water rolling in across the waves
licking at the rocks amongst the shore
in the shadows from the moon
condensing and drying up into the cool night
like wilted shadows dying off
in a cloud of nothingness
and haze of everything

Some of this is incredibly hard to share but I found a second one I don’t mind letting you read. I thought this one might make a decent song if set to the right music. :) And this one has a title

Don’t Let Go

in the clearing, off in the distance
i can see something, so blurry i can barely make it out
the closer i get the more obscure it becomes
down the lonely, deserted path
someone in the distance
out beyond the pain
up to no good
pulling on the strings, making things be
on the coldest route, on the bleakest night
if i can just reach there
i might be able to save myself
instead of falling down the drain
lost inside an awesome tidal force
swirling away, to never be seen
i thought i knew what you wanted
i thought i knew
nothing . . .
now ive got to hide out, for just a minute
and never turn back around
and leave it all behind
the feelings
you’ve got yours and i’ve got mine
let my feet beat the ground
(don’t let me go)
let my voice be heard
(don’t let me go)
from here to there and far away
where i will go forever
(don’t let me go)
and stay


1. Anonymous - December 28, 2005

justin here, and i agree, dont let go is the best, its the strongest expression of emotion

2. Anonymous - December 28, 2005

its pure, the least thoughtful, and by that i mean it feels spontaneous

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